l'esprit de l'escalier

I’m so distant from those who I used to be close to. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I have a hard time keeping in touch with everyone unlike before; I used to be so well at it. I suck at picking up my phone, I suck at returning calls and texts, and now I stuck at keeping up a conversation. It’s just not the same anymore, though I know nothing was ever promised to be “the same”.

Aww, I miss these guys <33 Haven’t seen you ladies in like forever! These photos are old, taken last summerr

Whenever I see you in the halls, I look straight ahead and pretend you’re not there, avoiding your glance. You see, I’m scared our eyes will meet and you’ll read the words I’m screaming with my whole body: “I’m mad at you, but at the same time I’m saddened. Guess it’s because I miss you, can we fix this already?!?” But if you really cared about me, honestly and truly still valued what we used to have, you would’ve fixed it already. I shouldn’t care about what someone like you has to say, but I do. It’s just no use waiting like a fool when I know there’s nothing to wait on. But the sad part is, I’d still wait anyway.

I can’t even look at you most of the time, even when I want to. I’m afraid that it’s just going to make things harder than they already are.

I’ve convinced everyone else that I don’t like you and that I don’t want you anymore. Now all I need to do is convince myself.

I see you. Not only in my dreams but on the ground that I walk on. You probably think I’m stalking you LOL. Well, this time I’m not! We just happen to be in the same class… again. I didn’t think I would see you ever again, and I DIDN’T want to. I was surprised to see you, believe me. I know that you were surprised as well. I could tell, without even looking at you. I could just see it in the corner of my eye when the person beside me had a question to ask (you know how people look back/infront/to the side just to see the person who has the question? yeah next to one). So when you saw me, you quickly turned your head around like you didn’t want to see my face. Once class ended, I sort of bolted out of the room, being the first one out so I could get away from you. I don’t know, but I had a feeling that you thought I was going to wait for you outside of the class to come over and talk to you, like I always did before.

But seeing you today, I realized how far apart we’ve grown. I know I should talk to you and ask you how you’re doing. And I really wish I could. But it just occurred to me that we’re strangers now. You don’t know me anymore, much less want to, and it’s okay that you’ve moved on. I know that everything is different now. I’ve been staying strong.

Because missing someone like you has gotten easier ever day, since it’s one day further from the last time we saw each other.

We don’t have to be together. I’m not even asking that we should be a couple anymore. I’m fine with being just friends. Being friends is good enough for me, ‘cause I know then you’ll still be in my life, and I’ll still be a part of yours. I’ll still care regardless. I’ll have your back, I’ll be there when you need someone to lean on, I’ll be there to listen, I’ll be there when you’re having problems, I’ll still be there…

Idk, maybe you’re just scared, because for once in your life someone actually wants to be with you. Or maybe you just mean more than you should mean.

I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that.
Every day there’s something wrong. Just one trivial thing can make me unhappy for just a moment. It’s like it’s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.

I shouldn’t be the one calling first, texting first, and IMing first.
If you cared enough about me, you’d make a lot more effort than letting me do everything. I’m sick of trying to maintain a conversation with you. Yeah, I want to talk to you and all, but I’m tired of always executing the first move. Why should I make an effort to talk to you, if you dont? But.. I guess if you wanted to talk to me, you would. If you wanted to hang out, you would ask me. And if you wanted to ask me out, you would. But no word, and that is what hurts me. So if you wanna talk, hit me up. But other than that, I give up.

I wish you liked me again. I wish we were back to those days when you were chasing me and we were both slightly in love. I don’t know. I am aware that you can’t force someone to want to be with you, and that if you’re stuck being just friends with them, then that sucks. But being friends with you, particularly when the friendship is as lovely and upstanding as the one I think we have here, is better than not having you in my life at all. It feels really sucky, ‘cause you’re just settling to be a mere friend. But I guess it’s a good realization, since it’s better to sustain a friendship than to have nothing at all – because it’s where you value their friendship more than being with them. And I definitely don’t want to lose you.